KO-Cain

Hellooo, kiddies!! So nice to make the acquaintance of my fellow MMA enthusiasts. I am delighted to be in a forum where I can freely opine on matters MMA and beyond, without having to look over my shoulder as some 'roided up, shaven headed maniac fresh from his jiu-jitsu class has decided that I am some pedantic windbag that needs to be silenced, and it's HIS job to shut my mouth.

Whenever I give my take on the world of MMA, I often ask myself if there is any reason anyone should care about what I think. And I always come up with the same answer-there is none. It doesn't mean a damned thing. I won't even watch award shows because the idea of watching a show about what somebody thinks about what somebody else does is absurd; no one ever built a statue for a critic. So, in addition to pontificating on the gladiatorial spectacle we have all come to love, I will offer tidbits I've amassed from my years as a martial artist, trainer, student of the human condition and overall squirrel tryin' his best to get his greasy little paws on the proverbial nut (that didn't come out right).

Anyways, as I write this, I've just finished watching Cain Velasquez decimate the eminently competent but perhaps long in the tooth Minotauro Nogueira. I can't say I was surprised at Cain's victory, but the emphatic swiftness with which he settled the affair raised more than one eyebrow and moved him closer to a shot the UFC's heavyweight title. The evolution of his standup skills was evident for all the world to see as the renowned wrestler never bothered to wrestle, opting instead to use round kicks and knees that would earn the respect of any Muay Thai practitioner before scrambling his opponent's brain circuitry with some sound, devastating boxing. This skill set should prove problematic, to say the least, for those who stand between him and the title he most certainly covets. But the question remains, can he deal with the explosive bulk of the UFC's resident Drago, Brock Lesnar, or Shane Carwin? Can he kick the crap out of Frank Mir like I think he can? Either way, you've done your job, Cain, 'cause I'd be happy plunk down the fifty bucks to find out.

And now, for my 'MMA for Life' tip.

A few years ago, I used to hang tough with my boy Jeff. Jeff was a record label exec from Long Island. After working with a few gangsta rappers, he became one of those infuriating whiteboys who fancy themselves 'hood rats with credentials because they drive SUV's with tinted windows and speak in some contrived, pathetic version of ebonics. But Jeff was my friend, and I would give him self-defense tips, one of which was the suggestion to wear heavy shoes whenever possible and, at the first sign that things are about to go bad, just kick the shit out of the opponent's shins.

Well, one day, at a night club, someone must have grown weary of Jeff's harmless but irritating charade, and decided he was going to clean his clock. Jeff got shoved, and as his foe wound up to deliver his drunken overhand right, Jeff punts the guy's shin with his boot, which, of course, was a Timberland. The guy stared into Jeff's face for a few long seconds, terrifying my friend, as that kick represented the extent of his martial arsenal. Next thing you know, the guy collapsed in agony, rolling around and screaming about his leg. Whew. Come to think of it, I'm not very proud of that, as I feel, in retrospect, that maybe Jeff deserved to get his ass kicked, because that little Eminem/Vanilla Ice thing he did could really get on your nerves. Oh well. Until next time.